Will Counselling help me?

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How many counsellors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it must want to change.

 

- arcane counselling saying

The easy answer is to say yes, counselling can help, it's been fairly well established, but the question is actually more specific, and very much more personal. Counselling might help a certain sort of individual, but am I that sort? Do we have to get all “touchy-feely” and create a bin full of paper hankies to do it properly? How can lots of talk be better than practical help?

As a practising counsellor, I would of course not wish to discourage anyone from coming to our wonderful counselling rooms, but if you are wondering if counselling might be the right way for you, there are a few points worth considering, which might just save some hankies, and a small packet of money.

Counselling can help, if the counsellor and client can engage together in the process. Process is a special term in talking therapies. It's the key ingredient that turns a conversation into something deeper. Process is when the magic happens in counselling; when communication is entirely open and truthful, and absolutely non-judgemental.

Can Counselling fix my problems? 

Counsellors often state that we're not in the business of “fixing” anyone. I personally like what Dr Richard Bandler of NLP fame said, when he declared that people aren't broken, though they might be going about things in ways that don't work very well. If you want a counsellor to fix your problems, I've no doubt you'll easily find someone to happily keep you coming to sessions, and give you lots of sound advice, but that is not process. Repeatedly going over all the gory details of a problem, applying endless analysis, is not process, but it can be very time consuming, especially when you're paying by the hour.

So how do I Process?

Process can sometimes take a little while, especially given that counsellor and client usually begin working as perfect strangers. Opening up your heart and soul to someone implies a level of trust, which may be one of the hidden factors that brought counselling about in the first place, so it may be wise to go gently into the first session or two. But when you feel there is something that can't be spoken about, if that reluctance isn't addressed, then it will sit firmly in the way of process. You might feel better after a session and that your counsellor really understands you, but this is little different from having a good chat with a friend, it's really nice, but counselling is something else.

I've perhaps said more about what process isn't than what it is, and that's very much part of the process. Process is what goes on beneath the words. For example: something is said as a compliment, but is heard as an insult. How often does that happen? It's not the words or the information they convey that counselling addresses; process is looking at the meaning we find in what's spoken, how it's said, the feelings evoked, the impact and reactions between counsellor and client.

This works both ways for process to be real; if there is something that bugs me about a client, then it's quite possibly bugging them, and others close to them. By talking respectfully about what's happening for me, there's an invitation for the client to reciprocate, and the mystical gateway to process can open. Notice, I'm not talking about any sort of theories here; I'm not laying the blame on childhood trauma, or secret motivations; I'm talking about a depth of communication that embodies compassion and empathy. It's within this shared space that counselling can reveal a beauty in relationship that just can't help spilling out into all areas of life.

Do I really want to change?

This is perhaps the deciding question. It's all too easy to agree to change, but actually, if we look more closely, do we just want our problems to go away?

If only I didn't have this and that issue, then I'd be fine; I could be happy.

We can resolve an issue, perhaps with the support of counselling, but have you not noticed, we get one issue sorted, then along comes something else to worry us? Sometimes they just seem to pile up, one damn thing after another. Process within counselling can begin to reveal a deeper truth; the problems and issues we have, are expressions of our unhappiness, just like the symptoms are the expressions of a disease, but not their cause.

If I could just change my behaviour, respond differently, then it would all be okay.

If I'm seeing certain behaviours as a problem, then changing my responses can be viewed as a solution and way forward, and there are indeed certain therapies, including anti-depressant medication, that attempt to help control or modify how we respond. What if our exploration realised, that those behaviours are actually perfectly natural responses to some more essential dis-ease?

To explore this deeper level is the real work of counselling. It can bring up questions around the purpose of life, the struggle to find meaning in relationship, and expose our deepest fears and secret longings. It is here that an opening for real change can occur, and the possibility for transformation becomes very real.

                                                                                     Robin Collins MBACP